Carl

Hahahaha Wow

2008-11-11T22:26:28Z

Yo soy=Daddy

I am not dead, but I cannot say the same for my sense of restraint.

2007-01-31T20:13:06Z

So I felt my pulse the other day, it might not sound like a big deal, but it was the first time I've actually felt the pulse, I never had my fingers in the right spot on the wrist, and in school whenever it would be gone over after a few tries I would always just say yeah I felt it, so we could move on to something useful. I'm sure taking a pulse is very useful to others, but seeing as how I felt mine for the time at nearly 26, obviously not a big deal.

Veggie meatballs are gross as shit! Not a bad as the faux-bacon, but mushy as hell.

Who wants to fight me?

I've quit smoking, my last ciggarette was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I can breathe now, figuretively(sp?), I have a chest infection or a virus, or something that causes me to constantly feel like I just smoked 2 packs in the past 5 hours. I don't beleive in spell check, just deal.

I'm staying on my half-ass excercise regime, I figure half-ass excercise is better than no excercise at all, so I'll be sticking with DDR and dumbbells, and it has to be a good regiment it's an aliteration.(see above).

I'm on a sick day right now, so I'm gonna go wash down some more mucinex with a 6packs.

Catch ya'll bitches on the flip side.

Letter to the editor...

2006-04-26T17:13:23Z

The last month has been probably the most intense month of my life, I felt everything that month. Emotions I had thought I had long ago sold into child labor. Wily little bastards must have escaped.

With a few exceptions, everything has changed in the past 30 days. I can't quite feel confident enough to say if that is good or bad yet. Perhaps when the shifting stops. Cocaine.

Still looking for somewhere to live, I can't afford a house in an area I want a house, so that drifts away for another year. I don't save money well, I demand instant satisfaction. I don't date well either. I sit and stare less, I don't have the time for it. Last weekend I had a good sit and stare. I just had one a few seconds ago before I typed that sentance. Opus has his dandelions, Doonesbury had his nuts and berries, I have my sit and stare.

I'm thinking about trying accounting. Sitting around and doing math all day is a job I could defenatly excel at. I just have no expirence, and I would probably put back the weight I've been loosing.

You know what's good excercise?
Yeah fucking.

My little sister has a resume on the counter next to the computer. I don't have a resume. Just passive aggressive wit, and over thought sarcasm.

So in closing if you could excuse me from life for a week or so that would be great.

heart,
Carl

Can you get this vacuum to fuck this cake?

2006-01-30T04:54:15Z

I'm sore, I'm bleeding from atleast 3 places on my back and my left foot is killing me, but I still love paintball. My back looks pretty bad, but not as bad as one of my employees who came out to play as well. He brought a backpack of beer, ahh memories.

I haven't been drinking nearly as much as I used to. That will be different this weekend though. Party mother fuckers, out in the middle of nowhere. I'm planning on being there most of the weekend, I have 72 hours off in a row and I am fucking stoked.

I want a house damnit, I want a yard and a bulldog. I found one in the trading post for $250, I'll have to check back after I move. So yeah if anyone knows of any houses for rent or rent to own preferably, in the Southside let me know. I want to buy but I honestly don't think that is gonna happen, so if I can find a nice rent to own that would make me happy from the top of my wig covered head, to the bleeding welts on my back.

Damnit I was hoping to avoid more lemmings...

2006-01-18T17:54:54Z

My type 5 guilty pleasures.

1. Ana Gastyer as Martha Stewart on SNL.
2. Writing off an entire day with the point of doing nothing productive.
3. Screaming obscenities.
4. Reading for an 1 hour when I have to awake in 6.
5. Staring at a really nice ass.

Now that I'm done writing curse words on my stomach...

2006-01-15T09:39:39Z

I clocked out today and my time read 34:23, I still have atleast 8 hours of work tommarrow if end of week inventory does not end up getting fucked up, and that does not count the 8 hours I did at another store this week. I'm exhausted, I think the main problem I have with 6 day work weeks is not the amount of work, but the amount of social life I try and cram into the little free time I have. I have left Richmond twice this week, and I plan on being up in about 7 hours now as it is.

I need to start house/apartment hunting really soon, I think maybe that's what I'll do on Wednesday.

If all you need is 3 miracles to become cantanized then you can call me Saint Carl, the patron saint of drunk driving. I actually haven't been drunk in a while now, thank you 80 oz. of Hurricane. I'm gonna go read and go to sleep.

I'm Kenny Mother Fucken' Mervis

2005-12-30T17:08:57Z

I'm having a party for New Years, people should show up. It's gonna get retarded, just a warning. I know own a coffee table, I've never owned a coffee table. So I think I'm just gonna call it my dining room table for midgets, because I hate coffee.

I need a bouncing dot to help people follow these things...

2005-12-19T08:10:04Z

I haven't been at a bar until last call for awhile, it used to be twice a week. I don't think I would drink as much if I wasn't so fucking social. I want to just keep rambling for awhile but I know what I want to ramble about specifily.

I don't think I'm gonna move, in fact I'm nearly 99% certain I'm not gonna move. I'm really close to work right now and so is my roommate, I don't want to deal with packing everything up either. When I got here I had a dresser, a computer, clothes, a TV, a cd player, and most of my He-Man action figures from growing up. I've got alot of shit now, and I just don't feel like packing everything up now, I've grown fat and lazy like a lame fuck president. I'm just coasting right now, and I think that is what upsets me about not moving. I want to move most of my friends with a few exceptions live in the Southside. I spent most of my time in the Southside, I grew up in the Southside, I knwo the Southside.

This place feels like home, I haven't had a place of my own for over 5 years, and it's hard to just pack up and move again. I'm fucking tired of it, I've moved probably 12 times in my life and 8 of those times was in a 3 year period. I'm tired I need roots, a thick heavy taproot, and I have that here. I'm right down the street from a community college, who wants to take some classes with me, and I'm not at where I want to be finacially to buy a house. I want a house, a roommate or two, and I'm set. Somewhere I can paint a wall if I want, somewhere I have a yard I can garden. (I am however very mad at myself for letting my aloe plant stay outside during the snow, I have alot of very intesive work ahead of me to try and nurse that thing back to life, it's the only plant I've had the entire I've been here.) I will be back in Southside in 2007, but now is just not the time.

In other news I'm half over joyed by still half upset at world cup. Liverpool lost 1-0 last night, but they lost 1-0 in the final. So 2nd place in the world is still really good, I still think Peter Crouch is an overpayed fuck. 3 goals the entire season is shitty. I am also very happy that Cisse has said he doesn't want to leave Liverpool, seeing as he and Gerrard are the only regular goal scorers and Hyppia can only stop but so many opposing fowards and still win games without any sort of offense. Hyppia is my favorite player right now because he's just an imposing brutish ass, and he plays the same way I do.

Ehh I'm out, I'm gonna go take a shower, shave my crackbeard, and read some more Hunter S. Thompson.

P.S.- Your mum's a shite ride.

Confession

2005-12-06T07:38:27Z

I really want to go back to school. I want to work on my Spanish, and I think I want to take a sociology class. I've already taken the highest level of math you can take in a community college, and I think if I took a science class it would only bore/anger me.

I also want to excerise, I already eat relativly healthy, except when I'm high or the occasional craving for Potato Wedges and hot sause.

I want to quit smoking.

All things I want to do, but will probably not do or will do for a short period of time and then stop. I don't change my habits well. I can steer them in a general direction but never hop off the track, everytime I do something out of the ordinary and it goes well I find it harder and harder to do something different.

I may seem to be random and erratic but most people have not seen me at my true erratic, when I cut off my thinking, I like those times, I make little sense but it gives me to time to truly act. Everything I do is carefully planned and thought out. When I go somewhere or do something I think about 40-50 possible things that could happen, and how I would react to them.

When I eat candy(on the odd times that I do) like M&Ms, or runts (skittles contain gelatin and thus are a no-no) I organize them by color and shape (as some poeple have probably seen me do to displays at checkout lines, I actually was doing that with the gum and mints the first time I asked Andrea out). Anyway back away from bracket land. So if I have a handful of candy and its 5 green, 4 blue, 2 black, 1 red, and 1 yellow, I instantly eat 1 green, 1 blue, and 1 of either yellow or red. then I line up the 4 remaining green in the crevice between my index finger and middle finger of my left hand, the 3 remaining blue between middle and ring, the 2 black between ring and pinky, and the remaining red or yellow goes in my palm. Then I eat 1 red or yellow, followed by 1 black, then 1 blue, then 1 green. The cycle continues until I am out of candy.

I don't sit still either, I am never completly still. I can sit for a long time but I am always moving, mainly my hands. I twitch my fingers when I'm in though. I run my thumb nail across the pads of my 4 fingers, starting with the pinky, then the nails of my index, middle, and ring finger across the pad of my thumb, then my thumb across the pad of my middle then index finger, then the nail of my index finger across the pad of my thumb. I repeat this constantly until I have something to do. I really need to do that more and smoke less.

Twice this week people have told friends of mine they don't think I exist. I'm glad that Matt and I's attempt at Hunter S. Thompson's way of avoiding trouble (our only hope of not getting caught is to go to such extremes that no one would believe such a tale.... I was gonna put that in quotes but I couldn't remember it exactly) is working.

I think I'm gonna by DDR and just do that, it involves less leaving of my house, and I can tell the lazy part of my brain that I'm just playing video games. That and I have fond memories (Read that as pictures that remind me of hazy bits of a drunken night that involved Matt wearing my pants while he played DDR and I played DDR in my boxers hoping my penis would remain in my pants) of playing DDR.

I'm gonna go to bed now I think.

Walk as fast as you want, I have a car.

2005-12-02T05:05:06Z

OH yeah, my phone died, so I lost all of my contact numbers. The number is the same, so you gotta call me so I have your number again. 804-615-9123 if you didn't have it already.

This town is full of drunk, addicts, freaks, and all other types of addled psychopaths....

2005-11-30T06:40:04Z

...and I am their king.

Another tab of nothing but bourbon. Life has been good with the exception of two hints of extremely bad news. I'm trying to make the most out of everything, because the people involved in the news would have wanted it that way.

Of all the things I've done I've still turned out alright. Better than alright in fact, I'm doing the best I've ever done. Two huge shots in the nuts, but I just keep on grinning. I don't think it's bourbon, I think it's people. I love all you fuckers.

In other news, test your imagination.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

Fuck you political correctness

2005-11-17T16:40:02Z

So work sucks, really sucks. I want to get a new job but I really enjoy all but 1 of the people I work with. That 1 however is the reason I have been having so many fucking problems. Meeting with HR today. 31 hours in 3 days. Turnaround tonight into tommarrow. But then I'm fucking free. I actually fucking wept with frustration. I have never been that frustrated before, my entire body shook, I choked on words, my eyes seeped. I was patronized, I know I was patronized, but I was so fucking frustrated I don't know how to put it into words. I nearly quit on the spot. I don't want to leave my crew, that store will fall the fuck apart. 3 awards I've gotten this year, all swepped under the rug because I don't have a "team attitude" because I won't forgive a guy who calls me "stupid, slow, and lazy" behind my back. 2 more days and I'm free for the weekend. I plan on getting ignorant. I find it extremely hard to give up on anything, maybe if I get arrested this weekend I'll get fired and I can just get a new job like I should have a month ago. I totally pwned everyone at poker last night at the playing field. Played about 30 hands and never got above 8000 chips. 7 hands left I was above 24000. Some douche was talking shit from the pool table to another regular who was cleaning house but had lost the lead to him. Final game senor douche folded (On accident he said he had a full house, how he had a full house with two pocket cards, and a 5, 8, and Queen is beyong me). But whatever he said he still won, I asked him how much he had. He smirked and said 90k. I laughed loudly, rather drunkly due to an influx of bourbon in my system and yelled "107 thousand biatch". Then left.

Here's my live journal haiku

Nothing says fun like waking up to a notebook of drunken rambles.

2005-11-08T11:38:25Z

In the past hazy forty something hours more of my money has exchanged hands then a Kennedy escaping a driving tickey. I tip well on benders, it wouldn't be so bad but five here or seven there adds up on two digits worth of checks. But the universe provide for the server who leaves me parched and hands me a tab for a bill a few schillings from something easy payed with only fives, for I know I will not. It has been awhile since bitter whiskey and sugared up cough syrup has copiloted my automobile. That damn ballerina invades my thoughts, blitzkreiging any scrap of sanity that remains unmolsted in the twisted recesses of my grey matter. My only hope is the inundate every cell of my body with enough mild altering chemicals that it will cause the ravenous pack of screeching naked headed scavengers to fight amongst themselves and leave me a few moments of rest. In a few hours I begin my departure into the unknown, good money puts me out of the country by weeks end. Living the good life away from preconception before being maced and chained and thrown into deptors prison. WHAT ARE MY CRIMES?!? Three packs of Kools for $4.50. I don't tip machines. I signed my name with a pen top but some theiving sirens stole my "C". They have already nested in what few isolated spots of solitude remain. The feathers have ceased to fall, and for now while I can. I rest.

Damnit I need to read the fine print.

2005-10-21T17:01:44Z

Leave your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

We could have been somebody special.

2005-10-21T06:25:49Z

I hate not knowing.

That's why I love weed, it turns hate into hunger, and I have half a bag of Dinobites.

Your moms.

In other news my presentation went well, I decided against wearing the dick shirt. But I still wore my awesome guicci glasses.

I still hate mostly everything about my store. But once again, weed turns hate into hunger, and I have half a bag of Dinobites.

Cigarrettes just don't fit in.

2005-10-17T05:20:37Z

I just had 3 beers tonight to chase two advil Cold and Sinus. I'm coughing so much my back hurts, I thought it was the filter in my furnace, but it happens at work too. The 3 tonight make 7 in 3 weeks, I've become a light weight again, I'm actually kind of buzzed off half a 6 pack. Strange.

I went to Wal-Mart last night and spent $160 on stuff for my bed and a new CD player. If I could find a job where I could never leave my bed I could take it. I fucking hate my new store, hate it. I have yet to have a good day. 10 days I've been there and I've had 5 shitty days and 5 ok ones. I tried to talk with my area manager about it, and he pretty much ignored me.

I want something new, but I hate change, I'm about to make really good money(as compared to what I'm used to making), but I can't stand the thought of staying at a shitty job for the money, but I plan on buying a house.

Fuck, just fuck.

Part of me really just wants to pack up and start over somewhere new, where I don't have the same baggage as here. Where no one treats me as just Carl and ignores what I say or do.

I have Tuesday and Wednesday off and I have to spend part of it working on my presentation for Assistant Manager. I really want to just show up in my "Fire me... please" shirt, tell everyone off that I want to tell off, and not look back.

P.S.- This was totally not where I was going with this.

Some words just make me giggles

2005-10-15T08:07:29Z

Observe:

http://www.uglyhill.com/d/20050923.html

If you didn't laugh, it's simply because you're a bastard.

In other news I had 2 drinks tonight, that makes 4 in the past 3 weeks. I play a lot more video games now, I'm not sure if it's the lack of drinking, or the increase in my other means of escaping sobriety.

Damn you sobriety, damn you to hell.

In other news, people need to come over and play some NFL Blitz with me.

Burritos, bitches, and religion.

2005-10-10T05:04:00Z

I got transfered to a new store, not so happy about it. I miss my old store, and most of the people I worked with. They got me a cake, and a Carolina Tarheels shirt(Not sure why, I think it's because Carolina is Carl with a few extra letters), and a white collar shirt they all signed, wrote messages on, and drew a nipple, and a cock with hairy balls. However the transfer to the new store will severly speed up my promotion. It's hard for me as a semi-commie to be happy about getting more money, but I plan on buying a house in 5 months, so the raise will mostly go towards a down payment. The part I'm stoked about is the extra 5 days of vacation.

Woman confuse me, that's it.

In religious news, for those who don't know I am an ordained minister and I have now found my calling.

ARGH I be a Pastafarian. We be preaching of the great creator The Flying Noodle Monster. He came to earth and touched it with his noodly appendage creating everything from montains, to trees, to midgets, Yarr. I do this not only to have my chosen relgion be taught in school along side of Intellegent Design, and that evil evolution, but also because it promises me my very own beer volcano and hooker factory.
http://www.venganza.org for more info. RAmen.

Oh yeah and I'm now 17 days without a drop of alcohol. I want to quit smoking too, but right now it would leave me with only 1 vice. I would be way too upstanding of an individual and I don't plan on going back to junk food, I already need to lose a few more pounds anyway.

I love shopping for myself on Amazon.com when I'm drunk.

2005-09-23T04:21:09Z

I am now the proud owner of the complete series of "Bottom". For those of you who have never seen the Young Ones(Own that shit too), it is Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson project after The Young Ones. That and the newest "Worms" video game, if you've never played worms you obviously didn't know when I was 18. Pure drunken stupidness.

So today I had a shitty day at work, went to Matt's he was sick from binge drinking at 9 am. So I called a few people and ended up going to a redneck sports bar on West Broad (Which has probably been previously mentioned) with Kermit. Drank for awhile with Kermit and then left, I was half a mile home when my friend Drew called. Yadda yadda yadda, I ended up driving right back to the parking lot of the bar I was just at and drinking at the Buffalo Wild Wings right next store.

I'm kinda drunk now. Oh and if any of you got a text message from me tonight read it and think of "Lump" by Presidents of the United States of America.

Then I came home and found that my package from Amazon got here.

Yay for me, time for British comedy and useless cartoon violence.

P.S.

2005-09-20T05:02:59Z

I have ESPN on in the background because I just finished watching the Redskins-Cowboys game which turned out to be really good, and I wanted to see how the Giants did.

I over heard

"Sportscenter is brought to you by Meatsause"

It turned out to be Nissan, but I'm going to say meatsauce more often now, cus its really funny.

I'm gandi bitch!

2005-09-20T04:53:49Z

You are a
Social Liberal
(80% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(8% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

Exact opposite of Reagan, so I must be right.

Ass Crack

2005-09-04T04:52:14Z

Well I've had a kick ass day off, played some paintball, filmed part of a movie. Looking foward to an Orioles game this week.

In other important news, a while back I signed up for a National Geographic and IBM study that would take my DNA and trace back genetic markers to determine where my ancestory came from. This of course is rather important seeing as how I'm adopted and have no real idea where I came from Geneticly. I know my adopted heritage as far back as it really can be traced.

Great-Great-Great-Grandfather Einsmann is as far as its been traced successfully. The name translates from German to "One-man" but is slang for lone-wolf. We figure he was either an orphan or a black sheep of a family. Left Germany before World War I to get away from the Kaiser and fled to Ireland just in time for the potato famine. From Ireland to Brooklyn (Zuh), eventually to Long Island where my father grew up before moving to Richmond about 30 years ago.

Great-Grandfather Rodell came to American from Estonia as Great-Grandfather Popabrodsky. They moved around alot, especially my grandfather due to various Army jobs. He went to Harvard on scholarship from the Army, and after serving for a long while in WWII, he went back to contracting jobs and ended up helping design the first guided missle.

Now I have the results of my actual genetic ancestory, and man isn't it interesting.

My Genetic marker on the Y-chromosone Haplogroup E3B (M35).

"M35 first appeared in the Middle East some 20,000 years ago among the M96 bearing peoples who had left Africa 30,000 to 40,000 years ago.

Members of Haplogroup E3b bear witness to the great Neolithis migrations out of the Middle East. M35 peoples were among the first farmers. They enjoyed an era of settled agricultural prosperity that led to substandtional population growth and subsequent migrations which dispersed their successful lifestyle and lineage.

The marker is common in southern Italy, southeast Europe and northern Africa among the descendants of ancient farmers who carried their agricultural lifestyle out of its Middle Eastern birthplace."

So I come by my garden naturally.

You're Mother's a Whore.

2005-08-26T03:52:35Z

I have cable now, not that everyone knows that, or probably knows I haven't really had cable since I was 8. I wonder how I got by before it, but then I turned it on and flipped past "Cannonball Run 2" to a commercial for Smashmouth's greatest hits.

So yeah back to me instead of my rage. Vacation was fun, went to the beach, I was there for 2 hours before the police were threatening me with a class 1 misdomeanor of "disturbing the peace". I behaved better after that, apparently Virginia Beach has a no swearing law. Luckily I can cuss fluently in Spanish, and half-assed in Indian. (Thank Hussien my roommate at Tech.)

Paintball was bad ass, having a hell of a lot of fun with it. I'm trying to work out more now, more of course means any at all. Work is still pissing me off by not promoting me, but at least I have the books now to work on, so my promotion is pretty much in my hands now. My lazy hands. ahahaha, yeah I suck.

P.S.- You have a tiny penis.

Geek Time

2005-06-02T04:14:56Z

Appartently Einstien was only partialy right, there are three things constant in the universe the third being this:

"I=Awesome"

P.S.

Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Created by naw5689 and taken 28617 times on bzoink!
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:	Soul Coughing
Are you male or female:	Mr. Bitterness
Describe yourself:	Supra Genius
How do some people feel about you:	Blue Eyed Devil
How do you feel about yourself:	So far I have not found the science
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:	White Girl
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:	4 out of 5
Describe where you want to be:	Bus to Beezlebub
Describe what you want to be:	Fully Retractable
Describe how you live:	How many Cans?
Describe how you love:	Sleepless
Share a few words of wisdom	Uh, Zoom Zip
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

Green tea and some granola bars...

2005-05-31T04:31:36Z

Midnight snack of champions, and by champions I mean hippies.

Starting another 6 day work week, I should be in bed now, I have to open in the morning, this turn around was my fault though. As if I don't work enough and trying to see all my friends isn't nearly as impossible, my female counterpart works 3 damn jobs. So the rair times when neither of us is working is normally filled by at least one of us sleeping, add to that the fact she lives on the other side of Richmond, doesn't help much either. Although to show she cares she has a habit of calling me often. LIke this morning at 9:30 am while I was sleeping, and she's probably going to call me sometime around 4 or 5 am when she gets off work.

I should be pissed about not getting sleep, but what can I say I'm an asshole too I call her at like 1 pm to tell her I'm just waking up.

My granola bar is good as shit. My garden is doing really well, but birds keep eating my strawberries, fucking birds eat bugs I won't compete with you over that food supply. But again in keeping with the not getting mad theme its not like birds have a Kroger.

"Gravity's Rainbow" by Thomas Pynchon is confusing as hell I've had the book now for nearly 2 months and I'm only on page 291 of 700something. But most of what I've understood is really good, if not severly fucked up, I've never actually read a book and had to stop because what I'm reading is fucking with me. Alrhough I now know how people feel when I tell dead baby jokes, I'm not gonna stop, but I know how the feel, and their tears will now taste sweeter.

P.S.- I almost didn't catch that typo and my last sentence almost said "and their tears will now taste sweater." because as we all know I love the taste of salty wool.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	Asifde
Your haiku:	my other means of escaping sobriety.damn you sobriety damn
Username:

Created by Grahame